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Conflict is a fact of life for all of us, but too
many painful consequences are generated by avoiding
or managing it in the wrong way. When we deal with
everybody else day after day in any capacity as
leaders or team managers, is inevitable that we will
be personally confronted with conflict. Our jobs,
our reputation and our own satisfaction level are
contingent upon knowing a basic principle to
understand interpersonal conflict. If you are a
leader, you need to learn and apply this principle
in all your interactions with people.
Concerning your original mindset, if you were
growing in a family environment where conflict was
seen at least as improper and at worst as a
disgrace, you have learnt very early on to avoid it.
It probably means that you will feel uncomfortable
and scared by confrontations, and thus incapacitated
to behave in a more balanced way. There is a simple
principle that can help you view aggressive
interactions through a new lens, and so help you to
react in a more appropriate way.
In general, there is plenty of research that shows
conflict as the point of confrontation between
differing viewpoints. Since no two people view the
world exactly the same way, disagreements are quite
normal. In fact, anyone who agrees with you all of
the time is probably telling you what you want to
hear, not what he or she actually believes.
If we could separate logical from emotional aspects
of conflict, it would be easier to deal with so many
perceived differences. But the deep emotional roots
of conflict ascribe different meanings to these
differences, and being in any conflict also means to
be risking some rejection, disapproval or love
withdrawal, which is pretty emotionally painful.
Of course it is rather difficult to face these
feelings, so rigid positions cover up anxiety and
fear. We demand more and more when we are unable to
face internal demands for recognition and support
which, of course, are impossible to satisfy with
requests for more money or concessions. Regardless,
we continue pushing for more awards, making a
win-lose victory an empty one.
So, here is the principle: Recognize the hidden
signals of fear of rejection, isolation and lack of
recognition under the escalating aggressive behavior
displayed in front of you
Learn how to address specifically this point, as
fast as you can.
Quite often, unrecognized frustration can lead to
violence and other kind of aggressive behavior, as
the means to find necessary redress. When the hope
to obtain some recognition through conflict
escalation is lost, what survives is the
one-upmanship of competition, which recognizes no
bounds set on self or other-preservation. The only
thing that matters then is winning at all costs.
Now, we are going to examine three main areas where
conflicts occur: in interpersonal one-on-one
relationships; in meetings; and in negotiations.
Although there are similarities between all of these
areas, each one takes a slightly different slant
depending on the setting where the conflict occurs.
Let's take a look at each one in a little more
detail and I will show you how to apply this
principle.
Conflicts in interpersonal relationships
Sometimes in interpersonal relationships, such as
those between you and one of your employees, or with
a friend, there may be a conflict that you are not
aware of. If someone who is normally upbeat and
friendly toward you suddenly begins avoiding you or
being silent or rude, there is usually a reason.
If the person has remained cheerful with everyone
else except you, chances are you are dealing with a
conflict situation. In these instances, you will
want to address the problem by proceeding through
the following steps.
- If you assume there is a problem, set up a
private face-to-face meeting to discuss the
problem with the other person.
- In a non-confrontational manner, ask the
person if there is a problem. If his/her answer
is "No", inform the person that you value so
much the relationship that you will keep asking
the question, because you’ve noticed the
behavioral change. Don’t go beyond this to
assume that you know what the problem is, but
let the person explain it, from his/her
perspective.
- As you talk, ask for feedback: Am I right on
this? Do not defend yourself, by "attacking" the
other person with accusations, but listen with
an open mind.
- Be sure to listen carefully and show respect
for his opinion! Otherwise, you will lose all
credibility.
- Take a few minutes to recycle the other
person's opinions in your mind, and identify
where his comments are right, according to her
point of view: why the person experienced the
situation as she did.
- The most gracious way out is not to
self-defend, or explain or rationalize, but to
thank for his/her input.
Now, invite a discussion on the best solution
for both sides. “What do you think we could do?”
Conflicts in workplace meetings
Conflicts flaring in the open, in opportunities
like meetings can be very disruptive. But they
can also be very helpful, if you are prepared
and don’t take them as a public opportunity for
humiliation. Remember, conflicts are
disagreements of opinions, with an emotional
component included.
The person disagreeing with you is probably
raising valid questions, and it may benefit the
group to address the issues they are presenting.
In fact, by listening to them, you may gain
valuable insight into what is and what is not
working within your organization. Remember that
everybody is watching you, so be gracious:
appreciate the feedback and ignore the form.
However, when the person continues past the
point of disagreement to the point of
disruptiveness, it only means that albeit you
have identified the logical aspect of the
difference, and addressed it, emotional factors
are still lingering on. This person has not
received enough confirmation or recognition from
you perhaps in other opportunities, and this
meeting is another of them.
He is demanding now that this provision of
recognition be made in a public setting, by
confronting you. What can be done to address
this specific kind of confrontation requires an
honest assessment of your own leadership
capacity, and some fast strategic changes.
Find in yourself the answers to some questions,
as: Can you, publicly, find the “grain of truth”
in the other person’s position and acknowledge
it? Can you find areas of agreement between the
two positions, and reframe in such a way that
both positions are equally included and valued?
Can you invite this person to a compromise by
including him into further decision-making
processes? And, ahead in time, can you keep this
person near you by inviting him/her to share his
concerns with you in private?
The assumption that “meetings can get out of
control,” is no longer valid, if you know how to
manage confrontations for what they are: a
demand for your attention as the person who can
validate, support and affirm a person’s value.
Conflicts in negotiations
Negotiations are ways to find a middle point or
a compromise when there is a difference in
appreciations. When you are negotiating with
your clients, vendors, or even your employees,
it is important to always keep in mind the idea
that both parties need to find a Win/Win
situation, where both feel respected and
appreciated by the other. No one wants to feel
like they are giving away something for nothing,
because it means that were taken advantage of
and that impinges on their self-esteem.
In fact, most conflicts develop, according to
our principle, because of one party’s perception
of being slighted, humiliated or taken advantage
of.
In order to avoid these types of situations,
there are certain ideas you can apply to
increase your chances of a successful
negotiation.
- Show appreciation and respect for the other
person and his ideas. Avoid any negative or
diminishing comment.
- From the beginning, be always the proponent of
a courteous, clean process. Don’t push or hurry
the process, but give time for ideas and
interaction to develop.
- Even when your perception tells you that
you’ve been attacked, you can always choose to
deny that. Stop cycles of defend-attack
immediately, because they are non-productive and
escalate fast!
- Try to understand the other person's
perspective: communication is more than just
listening; try to see their perspective as
clearly as yours.
- Check your understanding and summarize often
so both sides are always on the same page.
Reframe the problem including both perspectives.
- If the matter is not a big concern for you,
invite the other person to offer his solution
first. Include his ideas with yours when
presenting your own proposition.
Managing conflict is not repressing or
controlling it, but identifying the hidden needs
for recognition that promote the confrontation,
and addressing them fast. You can see more
applications of this Positive Conflict Principle
in the e-book: “Positive Conflicts: How to fight
fair and grow your relationships through
confrontations into respect and understanding”
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