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Conflict is a part of most every interpersonal
relationship. Managing conflict, then, is important
if the relationship is to be long-lasting and
rewarding. Learning how to manage conflict involves
being able to identify the steps in any escalating
confrontation, and being able to stop the escalation
and do emotional repair by reinforcing the positive
aspects of the relationship.
Interpersonal Conflict:
Conflict has been defined as "an expressed struggle
between at least two interdependent parties who
perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and
interference from the other party in achieving their
goals"1. Important concepts in this definition
include "expressed struggle," which means the two
sides must communicate in words or actions about the
existence of a problem for there to be conflict.
Another important idea is that conflict often
involves perceptions. The two sides may only
perceive that their goals, or resources, are
incompatible with each other's.
This produces a growing frustration where parties,
trying to have a consensus on some values, force the
other to accept these values, ideas or propositions,
only to obtain the other side’s resistance. A
conflict escalates when both sides confront each
other in a mounting interaction where more disdain,
aggression and rejection appears at each threshold
crossed. Escalation happens when growing attempts to
reciprocal control, using emotional abuse and
violence are reciprocated by the other.
INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT ESCALATION LEVELS
THIS CHART SHOWS THE ESCALATING STEPS, FROM A
SIMPLE PROBLEM TO THE DISSOLUTION OF THE
RELATIONSHIP. IN EACH LEVEL, WHEN PARTIES REACH THE
POINT OF NO RETURN, THEY ESCALATE TO THE NEXT
LEVEL, BEYOND WHICH THE WHOLE CONFLICT CHANGES
BECAUSE IS SET UP IN A DIFFERENT SET OF FEELINGS AND
BEHAVIOR
|
LEVEL |
PURPOSE |
LANGUAGE |
FEELINGS |
BEHAVIOR |
|
Level 1:
A PROBLEM TO BE SOLVED |
To resolve the issue that
causes the problem |
Clear, specific and
related to the here and now of problem
(focused on the difference to be solved) |
Positive feelings, with a
bit of frustration for the communicational
problem to be solved. |
Selection of rational
techniques to solve the problem:
cooperation, negotiation.
Self-controlled and
positive towards Other.
POINT OF NO RETURN:
Inflexibility of
own ideas |
|
Level 2:
A
DIFFERENCE |
To protect and defend own
point of view |
General, wider;
(the issue and the person
get mixed together, in
evaluating, judging
and criticizing Other’s present
behavior).
Past specific examples
of upsetting behavior mentioned, to
illustrate the “badness” of Other
Offer “love advice” to
Other, in a controlling way.
Own values are
identified, reaffirmed, and included in
hidden agendas. |
Cautious feeling, fear of
being hurt;
Some hidden hostility
Defensive strategic
planning: tries to control feelings in
self, such as fear, anger, loneliness.
Let down and hurt by
confrontation,
by difference of
opinions.
Build up of separation
and distance:
“Defensive Climate,”
as in:
Affecting indifference
and lack of commitment. |
Allows some compromising
albeit unsatisfied.
Restrict and block
information to Other.
Love is conditional to
expected behavior from Other,
POINT OF NO RETURN:
“Silent Treatment”
Reduced willingness to
listen. |
|
Level 3:
CONFRONTATION |
To prevail, to win
To use own power to
influence or create changes in present
situation.
To define the limits
between self and Other for
self-preservation
Reasons. |
Distorted, prescriptive
and
evaluative language:
“You should,” “you
ought to,”
Black and white
thinking;
Preaching and
sermonizing the Other;
Demeaning,
harmful "put-down"
remarks;
chronic bickering.
Blaming the Other, for
everything |
Irritability, Anger;
Personal attacks on
Other’s feelings;
Perceived attacks by
other on our feelings;
Search for allies’
support,
among reciprocal
friends and
family.
Need to have own
position validated by others.
Trust on the Other
lost. |
Moves to control Other:
deny information,
Deny
self-responsibility.
Hurl insults to other:
Verbal fight,
derogative comments,
and
abusive verbal and non
verbal behavior.
POINT OF NO RETURN:
Verbal Abuse;
Domestic violence
threats |
|
Level 4;
FIGHT OR/AND FLIGHT |
To remove
Other from
own life;
To punish Other;
To isolate Other from
network of relatives and friends. |
Ideologically oriented:
Based on eternal
principles of “good” and “evil”
Polar opposition in
everything: Values, ideas, and Positions
Compromise is
rejected. |
Confrontation reveals
hidden past hurts:
Self-portrait as a
victim;
and Other as
aggressor;
Other perceived as
total evil, bent on destroying self.
Fear
Rage/spite |
Punishing of the Other
and his/her perceived abuses;
If staying, domestic
abuse;
If leaving,
abandonment
POINT OF NO RETURN:
physical violence |
|
Level 5:
DEADLY COMBAT |
There is no other
alternative left, than to destroy Other,
the main identified enemy of our lives. |
Words describe conflict
as reflecting and being an instance of
the eternal fight of good against evil.
|
No alternatives left but
enemy’s destruction.
Enemy seen as inhuman,
unworthy of compassion. |
Unrestrained attacks
against the Other, his friends,
relatives and ideas.
POINT OF NO RETURN: total
alienation from Other. |
1
Hocker, J.L. and Wilmot, W.W.
(1991). Interpersonal conflict. Dubuque,
IA: William C. Brown. |
