|
We all have had dire experiences with
interpersonal conflict….What are yours?
Do you feel, in general, that you are
learning in every confrontation how to manage them better?
Or perhaps, after each episode, you are so
hurt that you swear never to confront again? And then, you
begin to act as a person who doesn’t see, or perceive
anything conflictive and hide inside yourself? In short, you
deny all conflicts in your life, all to get along?
We need to talk here about your
choices….because, after a failed conversation, your needs
are still unsolved…perhaps you didn’t even have the
opportunity to express them! And instead, you got a nasty
argument in your hands, with all its negative feelings... It
feels sad, and it is sad to have this miscommunication
happening with people you love and respect.
After a nasty fight, have
you ever felt deeply isolated, but afraid of loneliness at
the same time, perceiving that the relationship was a wreck?
Are you feeling that way
now?
Both of you were looking to
each other for support and tender loving care, but finding
ONLY silence and withdrawal?
Isn’t it mind boggling that
when you expected to be nested in a good, loving
relationship, now you find yourself in this place of
despair? Listen to Emily's story:
"Out of
the blue, we began fighting about vacation plans. I
assumed along this year that we would alternate between what
he likes to do (golfing) and my passion for historic places.
We did golf last year, so I was dreaming about going to see
Greece this year. When I mentioned this to Joe, he exploded,
accusing me of being selfish and only pursuing my interests!
I was so taken aback by his shouting that retreated into the
bedroom, and could not stop crying...what happened, that he
was suddenly so angry at me? I did not know how to react,
feeling trashed and humiliated by his words. Nothing has
been the same afterwards, and I don't know how to trust him
back! Why, I don't even know how to talk to him in a normal
way again!"
In Emily's words, there is
no way she can talk to him again, in a peaceful way...she
doesn't know how! But it is possible!
What is the point of learning conflict
skills?
Confronting others without the right skills
has a high cost: if we have once lost in a confrontation, we
will become fearful of future losses.
Stress is the price we pay for being forced
to confront without knowing how to do it safely. And stress
takes a very direct and high toll in your life: it is the
root cause of many body breakdowns, otherwise called
sicknesses.
We all need to learn how to deal with life’s challenges by
welcoming the good stress (the performance stress that is
produced by solving a challenge that invites us to grow)
from the damaging effects of FEAR, ANGER, RESENTMENT AND
DISTRESS (the bad stress, which attacks our body systems and
kills us).
In short, what is needed here is some
COACHING RELATIONSHIP, to teach you how to transform negative, stressful conflict
situations into good performance that build conflict
management and prevention skills! So you can feel more and
more skilled at asserting your needs, without damaging the
relationships that keep us happy and nurtured… Wouldn’t it
be great?
Up until now, we have different and
ineffective conflict
styles, where we manage to deny, hide and obscure the
painful consequences of unmanaged conflict in our lives. The
health consequences can be from raised level of stress and
physical vulnerability to illness to a reduced life span,
and economic consequences are too many to be listed here,
but in general is a lessening of growth and financial
security possibilities.
| 
